Mercy Page 2

  how high because you were sitting down and you say my legs

  and she asks you if he touched your bermuda shorts and you

  say yes and she asks you if he took them o ff and you think she

  is trying to trick you because you were at the movies and how

  could someone take your bermuda shorts o ff at the movies and

  she asks you if he touched under the bermuda shorts and she

  wants to know what he touched you with and it was dark and

  you couldn't see and you don’t know what he touched you

  with or how many hands he had but she doesn’t ask you that

  and afterwards sometimes you think he was from outer space

  because people from earth have two hands and when you

  make a drawing o f him with crayons or pastels you draw a

  stick man with a big face and big hands, lots o f hands, and

  sometimes you make another hand in the sky coming down

  and you never tell that you are drawing him and you say that

  he rubbed you with something inside your legs, no, not there,

  higher up, and she cries, your beautiful mother cries, with her

  long hair, with her black hair down to her shoulders, and her

  cotton summer dress with flowers on it from when she was

  young, she cries and she sits across from you and she holds

  your hands in hers and you feel so sorry because you always do

  something wrong and make her angry or sad and this was a

  special day when she let you go to the movies by yourself for

  the first time because you said you were mature enough and

  she let you wear black and you made her cry so you say

  momma I’m sorry momma nothing happened m om ma

  nothing happened he didn’t hurt me momma I’m fine m omma

  honest m omma nothing happened it didn’t m omma honest

  nothing; and she says “ pregnant” something; and I am

  punished, in m y room, put alone in m y room and not allowed

  to come out and she doesn’t like me anymore, and I cry, I am

  going to cry until I get old, I am crying for God to see, I am

  afraid the man will come again because he came from nowhere

  the first time and he disappeared into thin air and if he is from

  outer space he can go anywhere or maybe he followed me like

  they do on television and I couldn’t see him because he hid

  behind trees and cars and God would know if he had followed

  me and maybe God could stop him from finding m y room or

  it could be like when someone is killed on television and you

  think he is dead and then it gets all quiet and he isn’t dead and

  he attacks again with a knife or a gun or he is real strong and it

  is real quiet but suddenly he appears from nowhere so I cry but

  I keep m y eye on the door so I will be alert in case he is just

  pretending to be gone but really he sneaked inside the house

  and he is ju st waiting or he could come in the w indow ; and

  something hurts me like when you fall down and scrape your

  knees and the skin is all scraped o ff and it is all bloody and has

  cuts in it and dirt in it and your mother cleans it o ff and puts

  iodine on it and says it w o n ’t hurt but it burns and she puts a

  bandage on it; something hurts somewhere where he rubbed

  but I don’t look because I’m afraid and I keep m y hands away

  because I don’t want m y hands to touch me and I don’t want to

  touch anywhere in m y legs because I’m afraid; and I couldn’t

  say something was hurting because I didn’t know if something

  was hurting or not or where it was because maybe I was

  making it up because it hurt like a scraped knee but it hurt

  somewhere that didn’t exist. I wanted God to see me crying so

  He would know and it would count. I asked God if there were

  men from outer space on earth because He knew if there was

  life on other planets but He didn’t answer me; and I knew there

  weren’t but I knew He could have made them if He wanted to

  and I knew people only had two hands and I didn’t know how

  many hands this man had and I couldn’t figure it out no matter

  how much I tried because if he was rubbing in some places

  how could he be rubbing in so many places and I couldn’t

  count how many places and if he was from outer space he

  could come into my room now through the air or anytime

  from nowhere. I wanted God to tell me the truth because I was

  afraid. I was trying to tell God I was hurt because I thought

  God should know and let me stay in m y room and keep the

  man away and I wanted to stay in my room a long time, until I

  got old, and I wanted God to keep my mother away because

  she didn’t like me anymore and I didn’t want to take o ff my

  bermuda shorts or show her any more and I didn’t want her to

  look at me anymore, and I thought God should know I needed

  Him and where was He? I thought maybe the man wasn’t a

  bad man because they said nothing happened after all and I

  looked grown up so how could he know I was just a child and I

  wasn’t sure if he thought I was a child or not because I did look

  very grown up and act very grown up but I told him I was a

  child and he should go away but I said it in a very grown-up

  way. I cried because they said nothing happened and because I

  didn’t know if the man knew I was a child and I cried because I

  wanted God to know something had happened and I was a

  child and I wanted God to say w hy it was less bad if I wasn’t a

  child because I was still the same me if I was or if I wasn’t. And

  for the first time I didn’t want to be grown up because all the

  adults said it was less bad. I cried because I didn’t see how it

  could be less bad; and if I grew up were men going to be

  putting themselves on me in movies only it wouldn’t be bad

  because I wouldn’t be a child anymore. I cried because God

  was busy somewhere else and didn’t come and if I cried He

  w ould know I was hurting so much somewhere that didn't

  exist and He could find it because He lived somewhere that

  didn’t exist and He would know what I meant even if I

  couldn’t say it and I w ouldn’t have to point here and here and

  here and so I kept crying in case He didn’t know yet that He

  should be coming to me now even though people were sick

  and hungry all over and He had to see them too. I used to talk

  to God, especially when m y mother was sick and in the

  hospital and m y daddy had to be w orking so hard all day and

  all night and God would be pretty near me, in the same room,

  near me, and I wanted to know things like w hy anyone had to

  die or be poor or starve in China, and if China was real or ju st a

  story adults made up, and w hy colored people were treated so

  bad, and w hy so many Jew s were dead; and I can’t remember

  what He said but I always thought someday I would

  understand if I kept trying to pin Him down and maybe I

  could convince Him not to have things be so bad; and I had

  complicated discussions with Him about w hy He made things

  the w ay He did, because I didn’t think He did it right, and I

  wanted to be a scholar when I grew up and write things about

  what God meant and intended
and He would listen to m y

  questions and arguments but the adults wouldn’t; and I heard

  Him inside m y head, and it was like He was in the room, but it

  was never scary and it always made me peaceful even though I

  thought He hadn’t done things completely right and I would get

  calmed down and quiet even when I had been begging Him to let

  m y mother get better or at least not die. I talked to Him a lot

  when m y mother was in the hospital for an operation that might

  kill her and they told me she might die right then and I had a high

  fever and appendicitis and a rash and the adults told me I had to

  tell her over the phone that I was all right because she must not

  w orry and die and I knew it was wrong to lie, especially because

  she might die right then or that night or the next day,

  and my last words to her would be lies, and I wanted to cry to

  her, but the adults said I wasn’t allowed, and it didn’t matter if

  God said it was wrong to lie if adults said you had to lie because

  you had to do what adults said not what God said. Y ou had to

  be careful not to tell anyone you talked with God because they

  might think you were crazy and you had to make sure n ob od y.

  heard you talking to Him and you had to remember not to tell

  the doctor. They told you to believe in Him and you were

  supposed to pray and they sent you to Hebrew School and you

  had to go to the children’s services where girls weren’t allowed

  to do anything anyway but He wasn’t supposed to talk to you.

  He talked to Moses and Abraham but you were just Andrea

  from Camden even though Abraham had just been a boy

  herding sheep when he figured out there was one God. He had

  been staring up in the sky trying to think about God and he

  thought God was the moon but the moon disappeared when

  night was over and then he thought God was the sun but the

  sun disappeared when the day was over and then he figured

  out God had to be there all the time so He couldn’t be the sun

  or the moon or any king because they died or any idol because

  you could break it and you weren’t so different from Abraham

  before he grew up. Except that you didn’t understand how he

  knew God couldn’t be air because air is everywhere all the time

  and the teacher didn’t know but they never say they don’t

  know, they just make you feel stupid for asking something.

  Y ou were supposed to pray but you couldn’t lead the prayers

  because you were a girl and you couldn’t read from the Torah

  so a whole bunch o f boys who were a lot stupider than you got

  to do all the important things and you weren’t supposed to

  argue with God although the rabbis did it all the time but you

  were a girl and you weren’t allowed to be a rabbi anyw ay and

  all the rabbis who argued with Him were dead anyway and

  none o f the rabbis you ever saw or heard who were alive ever

  argued with God at all. Y ou thought they just didn’t care

  enough but they kept telling you rules and what you had to do

  and what you couldn’t do and how to grow up and what to

  think but you knew that the dead rabbis couldn’t have been

  like them and hadn’t just learned rules and so sometimes you

  would write arguments in the margins o f books just like the

  great rabbis because you wanted to make commentaries like

  they did but you weren’t supposed to write in any holy book

  even if it was for children so you would have to hide your

  writings and you would have to try to argue with God out

  loud in person but hiding it but mostly you would talk with

  God when you were crying for your mother or had had a big

  fight with her or if you were very scared. I had a big fight with

  God when I learned in Hebrew School that women couldn’t

  go into the Tem ple when they had their periods because I got

  mine when I was nine, I was an adult when I went to the

  movies alone in the Bible, and it had hurt so terrible, so bad,

  and still did every month, and I couldn’t think when anyone

  would need God more, and how could He keep me aw ay and

  say aw ful things like that I was unclean when He gave you the

  thing. We were studying Leviticus and I was in class and I was

  angry with the teacher who sat slumped over the book and

  told me what God had said which I could see for m yself N o

  one else was upset but maybe they hadn’t gotten their periods

  yet and the teacher never would and he could go into the

  Tem ple all the time, the whole month, all slumped over and

  stupid. When I had it out with God I tried to explain over and

  over that I really was sincere and w hy would He want to keep

  someone sincere like me out o f the Tem ple and there w asn’t

  any good answer that I could figure out except that it w asn’t

  sincerity God was looking for; He wanted people w ho didn’t

  bleed so w hy had He made you bleed; and you thought that

  having a baby would be even worse and hurt even more and

  He said you were even more unclean and had to stay out even

  longer but you could solve that by not having a baby. And if

  you had a baby you would have nine months when you could

  go into the Temple and make God happy but when it got real

  bad and you needed Him you couldn’t go because once it got

  really bad and blood came you were unclean. I thought

  women should have their babies in the Temple where God

  was because it might hurt less. The teacher said you had to

  accept things you didn’t understand and God didn’t have to be

  fair but if God wasn’t who would be and how would they

  know how? The teacher said that when he went to dinner in

  people’s houses he would take a book out o f the people’s

  bookcases and blow dust o ff it to show the wife the books

  weren’t clean and how lazy and dirty she was. He said the

  books were always dusty because women were lazy and didn’t

  take care o f their husbands’ books. I didn’t understand w hy it

  wasn’t rude to blow dust o ff someone’s books and make them

  feel bad and I couldn’t understand how she could stand it after

  she had made him dinner and been real nice. But he just

  laughed and said women were unclean and he had just proved

  it. I asked him if his books were dusty and he said his wife

  cleaned them and he blew on them. I didn’t go to God with the

  problem o f the books and the dust but I didn’t think it was fair

  either. I asked my mother and she said he was my teacher and I

  should listen to him but I decided not to anymore. N o w I had

  another problem on my mind. Why was what the man did less

  bad if I wasn’t a child? If I was a grown-up and went to the

  movies and wanted to see the movie, w hy would it be less bad

  if the man stopped me and if he scared me and if I had to run

  away and i f he hurt me and if he made me cry and i f I didn’t

  want him sitting next to me and whispering or anything. I

  wanted to know if God thought it was less bad; and I hated the

  adults for saying it was less bad. I wanted to know where God

  was when the man was there and
w hy God didn’t make the

  man go away. I wanted to know if God was there too. The

  Hebrew School teachers said God knows everything and can

  do anything and H e’s always there, everywhere. I believed He

  could do anything and knew everything but I didn’t think He

  was always there because too many bad things happened and if

  He was there they couldn’t ju st happen; how could they? I f I

  see someone do something bad I’m not supposed to ju st

  watch. M om m a says call the police or an adult. H ow could He

  be in the movies with me when the man came? He w ouldn’t

  even come to m y room after because He knew all about it and

  felt ashamed for making such a horrible man. I knew He could

  do anything and made us all so w hy did He make that man?

  Was God there like the teachers kept saying and the rabbis kept

  saying and did He look or was He looking somewhere else

  because He could have turned to look somewhere else because

  it didn’t take so long and time for God must be different and it

  must have been just a small minute for Him to turn away. O r if

  He had to go to India or somewhere maybe He w asn’t there. I

  sort o f thought He was there but I couldn’t believe that H e’d

  ju st sit and watch because that w ouldn’t be right and God has

  to do things that are right. M aybe He turned aw ay but maybe

  He was there. M aybe He looked. I thought He was there, I

  didn’t feel alone, but I couldn’t stand to think He had ju st

  looked so I stopped thinking it but the only w ay I could stop

  thinking it was to think that probably God didn’t exist anyw ay

  and was only a superstition and there was no God the same

  w ay there were no space creatures. I lectured m yself that I was

  a child and I was going to grow up even though I didn’t want

  to anym ore and someday I would understand w hy it was less

  bad if I w asn’t a child unless the adults were just lying, because

  adults lie a lot to children I had found out. M aybe they were

  lying about God too and maybe there wasn’t one. I sort o f

  thought God had been there though. The theater was em pty

  but it didn’t feel em pty and there’s a special kind o f dark that